


Moving On (Even If It Hurts)

by theultimatezb



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-03-20 21:46:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3666384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theultimatezb/pseuds/theultimatezb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes there won't be a fairytale ending, a happily ever after and you just have to live with that. Stories about what they used to have and what they did to lose it all. [Previously named Someone Like You]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Someone Like You

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr Prompt: Someone Like You just came on the radio and I'm dying thinking of Golly, like embarrassingly crushed. Could you write a fic biased off of it for me?

She smiled as the familiar smell pouring out of her favourite cafe hits her nose, a scent of delicious baked goods and fragrant coffee and fond memories. As she entered the establishment, the warmth and smell of baked breads welcomed her like an old friend, giving her a warm and giant hug. It had been too long – almost 2 years long. But Holly was back in town and she had nowhere to go, at least for the time being.

It was comforting to know that Martha still remembered her after all these years, and the usual order of scones and black coffee she used to have. They chatted for a while, the shop owner had a sympathetic smile on her face the whole time and Holly knew the reason behind that smile. As a wave of customers flood through the door, Martha left her – not before making Holly promise to come back soon – with scones and coffee on the house. Holly did leave a generous tip in the jar, expressed her thanks once again before heading for the door.

As she turned around, Holly almost dropped her cup of coffee on the ground as Gail Peck appeared in her line of sight.

Holly's brain froze and she could hear her heart beating loudly in her ears, a large boulder lodged in her throat. For a moment, Holly had forgotten how long was it since she last saw or talked to the blonde, as all that mattered was that moment between two people, two ex-lovers.

It had been 4 years since their breakup, which was the last time she saw the blonde. But Gail looked stunning as always, the blue in her eyes much brighter than during those last few weeks before that painful ending of their relationship. The blonde hair – though dark blonde roots were showing – was as short as when they first started dating and it looked like she hadn't aged one bit.

Gail might still look the same, but Holly could feel the difference. She couldn't put a finger on it, there was just something different about the blonde. She wasn't the same Gail she fell in love with years ago.

She could hear someone clearing their throat, it might be Gail, or maybe it was one of the customers since the two women had been hogging the entrance of the cafe for quite some time. Holly shifted awkwardly before stepping aside, which Gail did the same.

She could see the blonde struggling to keep the shock from showing on her face and Holly was struggling to find the words she swallowed down along with the lump in her throat.

"Hey," Gail spoke first. There was a small smile, one that Holly might've missed if she wasn't paying attention to the blonde's face.

"Hi, Gail." The name felt weird and foreign on Holly's tongue. She couldn't remember the last time she had said that name out loud. The brunette flashed her crooked smile and for a moment Gail forgot about the pain and heartbreak those many years ago, only remembering that smile and laughter she never knew she missed so much.

"So, uh… How are you?" Gail shoved her gloved hands into the pockets of her thick coat. How do you greet your ex, with a hug and a kiss on the cheek or a handshake? Both seemed kind of awkward and wrong.

"I'm okay, just got back about a week ago." Holly moved to lean against the wall of the cafe, as the morning crowd started to pour in. She whipped her head back to see Martha standing over the other side of the counter with that same sympathetic smile from earlier. "I didn't think you'd still come here."

"Good ol' Martha's famous pastries are to die for, you were the one who told me that." Holly caught Gail waving to Martha, greeting her before ordering her usual. At the end of her sentence – at the reminder of the past – Gail's eyes returned to Holly's and both women wore a grim look for a second.

"So how long will you in the city?" Gail finally broke the silence.

The brunette pushed her glasses further up the bridge of her nose. "I don't know yet. My contract in the UK was up and I don't have anywhere to be right now, so I'm just catching up with old friends back home."

"I see." Gail nodded and looked at her watch. It looked like she had somewhere to be. "Listen, I've gotta get to work soon, but if you're free tomorrow, the gang will be at my place to fire up the grill and watch the hockey game, so why don't you drop by I'm sure everyone would love to see you."

"Since when does Gail Peck host barbecue parties and watch sports games?" Holly quirked an eyebrow.

The blonde shrugged with a smile. "Well, people change." There was a silence as the door swung open and close and people enter and leave. This wasn't the right time or place to catch up. "So, you up for it?"

"I'll—I'll think about it."

"Alright, I'll text you the time and my address. You're still using the same number, right?"

Holly shook her head. "You can email it to me."

Gail nodded and walked past Holly to get to the counter for her order. "Okay, I hope you'll make it. See you soon."

With a small wave to the blonde, Holly left the warmth of the cafe and carried on down the sidewalk, taking a sip of her coffee.

After recovering from the shock of seeing Gail and their conversation earlier, Holly wasn't actually too surprised at seeing the blonde. Deep down, one of the reasons why she came back to Toronto was because she wanted to reconnect with Gail. She wanted to know how she was doing and if she was happy. Well Gail looked amazing, Holly could tell her skin was glowing even though she was covered in winter clothing.

Temporarily living in Lisa's guestroom, Holly found herself alone at her best friend's apartment, thinking about her encounter with Gail and the invitation to the gathering the next day.

After the breakup, Holly didn't talk to any of Gail's friends, except for Traci and her brother Steve. A couple of weeks into the breakup, an offer as Seattle's senior forensic pathologist come knocking on her door and she took it, seeing it as an opportunity to get away from everything, from Gail. As everything was beginning to settle in Seattle, Holly exchanged phone calls and text messages with Steve and Traci to check up on Gail. But knowing it was too much too painful to learn about Gail's wellbeing, Holly stopped reaching out and decided that both of them needed to move on.

None of Gail's family and friends knew this, but Holly was a runner too. She too, wasn't great at relationships and at the beginning both women thought they could be bad at it together, to learn from their mistakes together. But came their last and final huddle - Holly knew, this time she was going to run - that inevitably broke their relationship into pieces.

Thinking about the barbecue party, Holly had reservations. How would Gail's friends react to her presence? To be in a room full of cops her ex works with? They love Gail like their own and it wouldn't surprise Holly if one of them pulls a gun on her.

* * *

When Holly arrived at the given address, she was surprised at the big house in front of her. Maybe Gail grew out of the blue uniform and traded it in for the white? Maybe she'd moved in with someone else? Holly's stomach sunk slightly at the prospect although it had been 4 years since their breakup. With a clear of her throat and a shake of her head, Holly pressed the doorbell and within seconds a cheery Dov was greeting her.

"Hey, Holly! Welcome back!" Dov welcomed her with wide open arms, bringing her into a hug.

"Thanks, it's good to see you, Dov." Holly squeezed the man back before letting go and being led further into the house.

Walking toward the living room, she saw the usual – Andy, Sam, Oliver, Dov, Chloe, Chris, Nick and two more unfamiliar faces, probably Chris and Nick's girlfriends judging by their body language and intimacy.

It was weird. Oliver and Chloe were chanting Holly's name and they all came to greet and hug the brunette who was standing kind of awkwardly in the middle of the living room. On her way over, Holly wasn't sure what to expect, but certainly not this overwhelmingly positive reception from Gail's friends. It made sense, though. What happened was years ago and everyone knew the breakup was hard for both Gail and Holly. They were all pretty optimistic that if only one relationship could survive and flourish in the long run, it would be Gail and Holly's. No one saw it coming, and they all felt for both women.

"Glad to see you, Holly. We've missed you." Oliver whispered into Holly's ear, and the brunette realized just how much she misses the man.

"You too, Oliver. I've missed all of you too."

"Now that the doctor is in, let's get this barbecue started!" Oliver yelled once they broke apart.

Holly smiled as she heard the older man giving orders to Dov and Chris not to overcook the meat like the last time and Sam and Andy arguing over the something trivial and then proceeded to making out on the sofa. Everyone else yelled for the pair to get a room but they simply carried on. She'd missed this, the dysfunctional family of 15.

Holly looked around but failed to find Gail, and as if the blonde could sense her presence being summoned, Gail strolled up next to Holly with a beer in hand.

"Hey, glad you made it." She offered the beer to the brunette. "Beer?"

"Thanks," Holly accepted the drink. She saw the silver band on Gail's ring finger and lost her ability to speak. "Where's Steve and Trac—" She simply stared at the ring.

"They took Leo to his basketball game. They'll be here later." Gail frowned at Holly's startled expression and looked at where the brunette was staring. Oh.

"You're married." Whispered Holly, soft enough that the others couldn't hear it.

Holly couldn't stop staring at the ring. Why hadn't the blonde told her the day before when they ran into each other? But obviously it wasn't something to just blurt out in the middle of a short conversation they haven't had in years. Holly sighed internally and followed Gail into the kitchen.

"Her name's Sarah. She's a doctor at Toronto General and we've been married for 6 months."

Gail didn't tell her how sometimes she would run into Rachel at the hospital when she visits her wife, and how she would ask about Holly, how she was doing and where in the world would Holly be.

Holly leaned against the counter and gripped at the edges tightly. She looked around the kitchen, worried Gail's wife might appear at any second. "Wh–where is she?"

Gail shrugged. "A work thing down in New York City. She'll be back in 2 days."

Holly mentally chastised herself for acting and feeling this way. She should be happy for Gail. Did she think she could just come back to Toronto and waltz back into Gail's life?

_She had been pacing up and down the length of the hallway of their apartment waiting for the boys to bring Gail home from the Penny. The blonde had the day off and when Holly returned home after work to find the house empty, she called Gail but it went straight to voicemail. Holly waited for hours, getting more anxious by the second. When her phone finally rang, she snatched it up from the table only to see Chris's name on the screen. Chris told her that they'd found Gail close to passing out right outside the entrance of the Penny, and that they were on their way over with Gail in tow._

_Holly swung the door open after the first knock to see Gail out cold in Chris's arms as Nick stood closely behind them._

_It wasn't the first time Gail had turned off her phone and blew her money on alcohol at the Penny, but it was the first that Gail had to be carried home. Holly sighed and opened the door wider for Chris to enter and deposit her on the bed upstairs._

_"Look, Holly, I know the two of you have been going through some rough patches, but please fix it, okay? Because what's next, Gail drinking on the job or getting admitted for alcohol poisoning? I love you both, but please fix this soon I don't wanna see either of you get hurt any further."_

_Chris swept Holly up for a hug. "I know, Chris. I know. I'm trying."_

_With a nod and a worried glance at Gail, Chris left the room and Holly followed to say her goodbyes to the boys before locking the front door. She went back upstairs and crouched down next to Gail's sleeping form. She brushed strayed blonde hair out of Gail's face behind her ear, taking a good look at her love._

_"I'm trying. I'm trying, Gail. What more do you want? I stayed in Toronto for you. I gave up an amazing opportunity in San Francisco for you. I gave up so much. What else do you want from me?" Holly whispered, tears rolling down her cheeks, her tone filled with desperation._

_"I want a baby, Hols. But you can't give that to me."_

_Holly flinched at Gail's sober voice, startled by the blonde's reply. She was supposed to be asleep. She wasn't going to do this again, not right now away. So she stood up and made her way downstairs to spend the night on the sofa._

There was a long silence, not the comfortable ones they used to have way back when. It was the type of silence that strangles you, sucks the air out of you and you can't find the right thing to say.

"I'm happy for you." Holly managed to say.

Gail nodded, but Holly continued. The words felt bitter on her tongue, and she needed extra effort to get it out. "So tell me about your wife."

And Holly was suddenly reminded of how much Gail used to love.

* * *

In the history of worst decisions, this might be the top of the list. Holly stumbled up the front porch of Gail's house as a painfully cold and strong wind caused her to rub at her thinly clothed arms and hug herself. She must've forgotten her coat at the bar.

It took 3 rounds of ringing before the door opened, revealing the sleepy blonde in a warm robe, shivering as the cold wind almost knocked her a few steps back into the house. Her brows furrowed as she regarded the brunette in front of her who seemed to be slightly intoxicated. Holly was under-dressed for the night too, and Gail quickly pulled her into the warmth of her home. She felt as if Holly's hand might be frozen.

She sat the doctor down on the sofa and wrapped the throw blanket around her before going into the kitchen to make some tea.

Holly shivered and wrapped the warm and soft material tightly around herself, already regretting her decision to come over to Gail's home uninvited and glancing at the clock, so late at night. When Gail returned with tea, Holly accepted it muttering a grateful thanks as her fingers felt like it was beginning to thaw around the warm mug.

She took a sip and groaned softly.

"Just the way you like it, right?" Gail asked from the opposite side of the sofa, far from the brunette.

"Yes, you remembered." Holly took another long sip as Gail just nodded.

Gail waited until Holly was halfway finished with her tea before speaking. "Is everything okay? What are you doing here so late at night?"

"I—I need answers." Closure. Holly slowly leaned forward to put the mug down on the coffee table.

"Answers to what?"

"Are you happy?"

Gail sighed. She felt bad for the brunette, her eyes spoke of the sadness that her tongue wasn't. Her brows furrowed in regret, her nostrils flaring in remorse.

"I'm pregnant, Holly."

_"H—how is this even possible? You love children! You're great with children" Gail yelled as her arms flailed aimlessly around her._

_Holly took her glasses off and rubbed at her temples. "I love them, but I don't want them, Gail." How many times must she say it to Gail?_

_"Why not?"_

_"Because they're not in my plan," Holly sighed loudly._

_"Oh for fuck's sake forget about your plan for just a minute, Holly!"_

_"What do you want me to say, Gail? I told you, I don't want children and I don't want to be a mum." Holly had to keep her cool, because one of them going crazy was enough for the night._

_Gail stopped her pacing and stepped closer to Holly. "Plans change, people change, you can change."_

_Holly moved away from the blonde. "I don't want to change! I'm perfectly fine with who I am. Why can't you be okay with that?"_

_Feeling hurt by the distance that Holly created, Gail sat down on the sofa dejectedly. "I tried to be, Holly. I really tried. I thought I was okay with just the two of us. We were doing so great and I didn't want to get in the way of that. I thought if I'd given you time maybe you'd change your mind."_

_"My mind's made up, Gail." Holly sat next to Gail, knees almost touching._

_Both women sat there, at a loss for what was next for the both of them. Holly could give up moving from one place to another, she could give up amazing job offers, but this – raising a child, being a mother? She thought she could do it, but she couldn't, not even for Gail._

_"I think we should break up."_

It hit Holly like a ton of bricks that although they were madly in love back then, she just couldn't give Gail the one thing she wanted, needed the most. To be a mother. It was the one thing Holly couldn't give up for Gail.

Just as Holly was beginning to feel sick and tired of running around, working from city to city, Gail was finally putting down roots and having a baby like how she always wanted back then with Holly.

"How far along are you?"

Gail's hand subconsciously moved on its own, rubbing her belly. She had been touching her belly a lot more recently. There was a sweet smile on her face. "About 3 months now. I'm barely showing and Sarah and I decided to announce the pregnancy after her return."

Holly simply nodded, she didn't know what to say. She needed a moment to digest all of it. Too much happened that day. From learning that Gail was married to her pregnancy. She finally realized why Gail looked like she was practically glowing yesterday.

"Pregnancy looks good on you." Holly smiled.

"Thanks."

"So, are you happy?"

Gail scooted closer to Holly and placed a hand on top of the brunette's. Holly closed her eyes at the contact. Her heart didn't race like it did when Gail used to touch her. Even the slightest touch used to send her heart rate skyrocketing. At this moment it felt calm, like her heart was trying to make peace. "I'm very happy." Gail squeezed reassuringly.

There was no doubt in her voice, only a lightness that was filled with love and happiness, something Holly had failed to give Gail during the last few weeks of their relationship.

If Holly knew back then that their relationship would end the way it did, she would do it all over again because it led Gail here – happy and in love and basking in her much deserved pregnancy glow.


	2. Lips of an Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not exactly a continuation from the first chapter, but I didn't want to publish a new story for this. I'm lazy.
> 
> Based on the song 'Lips of an Angel' by Hinder.

It's almost midnight by the time you're back from work. It was a long and tiring day, and you're suddenly reminded of your old boss back in Toronto, how he made being chief medical examiner look like such an easy job.

The shoes by the door and the overnight bag on your sofa reminds you that your girlfriend is staying over tonight, and you grin as you can't wait to go to bed and snuggle into her side.

You put your phone down on the counter once you've replied to the last email you received for the day to pour yourself a glass of water. The device vibrates after your first sip and you curse and swear softly into thin air. Your San Francisco colleagues – they don't need to sleep, do they? You shake your head. The case will still be there tomorrow.

As you pick up your phone, you're ready to convince them to call it a night and go to bed so you'd all tackle the case with a clear mind first thing in the morning when the name and photo of her face are shown on the screen. You gulp, unsure if you should answer the phone call. It's almost 3 in the morning back in Toronto and part of you is worried for the late call.

Holding the still vibrating device in your hand, you make your way over to the bedroom door and open it slowly and softly - afraid of waking her - and peek your head inside to make sure she's sound asleep before walking back out into the living room. It's probably a mistake, but you take in a deep breath before accepting the call and lifting the phone to your ear.

"Hey, Lunchbox."

You smile at the nickname. You smile at her voice. You smile because you can hear the smile in her voice too, raspy yet light and it never fails to make you smile. And then your smile is wiped off of your face as a sniffle travels from the speaker into your right ear, down to your throat and heart to settle deep in your stomach. You sit down on the sofa because you don't think you can handle this conversation while standing up.

"Gail, what's wrong?"

"N–nothing. I just… I miss you. So much." Her voice breaks into a whimper at the end and there's another sniffle and it tears you apart. You can tell she's been drinking, not a lot, but enough that you can tell.

"Gail…"

"I know, I know… What's done is done," You hear her taking a deep breath to compose herself before continuing. "and you have a girlfriend now."

You sigh because you don't know what to say, and what else is there to say? She's right. What's done is done. When you don't have a reply for her, she continues.

"You know, I still dream about you. About us. I dreamt that we went to the batting cages again. I dreamt that you came back to fix things. I dreamt that I went to you to fix things. I dream about our first time together and our last time together. How beautiful you looked panting my name below me and pulling my hair."

You swallow painfully at her vivid description. You want to tell her that you dream about her too. You dream about her smooth porcelain skin and platinum hair that glow in the night, those delicious lips on your face, your neck, and somewhere further south, and those devastatingly beautiful blue, blue eyes. You want to tell her so bad, but you don't. You can't. It's not the right thing to do. You have a girlfriend and she's sleeping in your bedroom, just a few feet away from you.

"Gail… go to bed." You shake your head.

"Mmm… say it again," Her voice is lighter than earlier and she's almost mumbling her words. You know what's coming next because this isn't the first time since moving to San Francisco - since having a girlfriend - that the two of you have had this conversation. But you ask the question anyway.

"Say what again?"

"My name."

And you say it, you say so much more than just her name. You tell her about your day, about how much you miss Toronto and the cold weather and the people there. You tell her about everything except your girlfriend.

Within minutes the occasional humming and soft laughter stopped, and you know she's asleep.

"Goodnight, Gail."

* * *

And because you were so tired last night, the last thing you remember about it as you wake now was the single tear that fell from your eye. As you're being greeted by a pair of lips on your neck and an arm over your waist, and you wish so badly that those are the lips that would become the ones crave and need.


	3. All You Had To Do Was Stay

Her eyes stung, her palms sweaty, her head and neck and arms ached and she could still smell the haunting scent of gunpowder she had tried to wash off earlier in the shower.

It was on her hands, her skin, her clothes. No matter how hard she tried to scrub it off, even with a new set of clean clothes, she just couldn't get rid of the smell. She was scared to close her eyes, even for just a second, because the smell would get ten times stronger with her them closed.

She could still feel the shocking recoil of her gun, hear the piercing loud bang that seemed to wake both heaven and hell, even though she knew what to expect from years of practice at the range.

She remembered how her fingers trembled before pulling the trigger, the heaviness of her weapon suddenly weighing an extra ton making her arms ache with unwillingness to fire at the teenager who had a knife to her partner's throat.

She was told that she did good, that a second later and Dov would've had his throat slit by the boy. That she had no other choice. In the haze of it all, she remembered asking Oliver how it felt to have your first kill.

_It feels really scary, the guilt will ruin you if you let it and you'll never forget it. Every second of it._ And he was right. From the moment she pulled out her gun to the moment the boy hit the cold hard ground with a dull thud, it had been imprinted onto her mind. The thin stream of blood seeping out of the clean headshot. His wide open eyes, the life in him drained away.

When she was trying to take a nap earlier – who knew shooting someone would feel so exhausting – and failing, she stared at the ceiling and realized something very sad and very true: Gail Peck had no one.

She had no one to call, no one to talk to. She had no one to hold her tight at night and whisper comforting and soothing words into her ear while she tried her hardest to fall asleep. No one to be there for her. She used to, but not anymore.

The kid had his whole life head of him, but she had to shoot him in the head because she had _no other choice_. Gail had someone's life in her hands and she ended it by squeezing the trigger. It made her realize how fragile life could be, how someone could end yours in a split second.

She remembered how she had Holly's heart in her hands and how she squeezed it and dropped it on the floor on her way out of Holly's front door without ever looking back. She had been regretting it since the second she walked out.

Gail had been sitting on the bed since daylight, and by the time she managed to stop the flow of tears and gather enough courage to unlock the phone that was in her hand for hours, the sun had already set and the street lamps were glowing softly, creeping into her bedroom through the window.

After several deep breaths Gail finally tapped on the name she wished to call and held her breath while the phone kept ringing. She didn't need to spill her sorrows, or cry until there were no more tears left, she just needed to hear the voice that still invaded her dreams almost every night. They could talk about donuts or the news, anything but what happened.

Odds were the brunette would probably ignore the call, and if Gail was lucky, Holly would pick up and scream into the phone before hanging up. If it was the second option, Gail would happily endure it, because she needed it. She needed to feel someone else's feelings, good or bad, she needed to feel something else other than guilt – only Holly's warmth and liveliness could ignite something in her.

When the call finally connected and Holly's voice came through, Gail straightened up as if the brunette walked into the room and all eyes were on her.

"Gail," There was none of that vibrant tone that used to accompany the way Holly says the blonde's name, only of regret and disappointment. Gail's heart clenched and she felt it all the way down to her stomach.

"Hey, Holly." Gail smoothed an imaginary wrinkle on her pants.

"Why are you calling me?"

"I… I just needed to hear your voice."

Gail could hear a sigh from the brunette, so she carried on before Holly could decide to hang up on her. "I thought we could, you know, talk for a while."

"What's there to talk about, Gail?"

"Uh—how's life down in San Francisco?"

There was a thud on Holly's side and another sigh before she spoke. "Seriously? You call me 2 months after pushing me out of your life and out of the country to chat about the weather?"

Gail closed her eyes for a second, the smell of gunpowder suddenly gone, and she smiled despite rage coming from Holly. "Yeah, I know how it sounds—"

"Insensitive, that's how it sounds like."

There was a long pause, and Gail could picture Holly standing with a hand on her waist (probably her left hand), head tilted to the side, a frown on her face.

"I just… I had a long day, and I miss you."

"Gail…" Holly's tone softened a little, but the anger and disappointment could still be heard.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I want you, I want you back. I miss you." It was soft and delicate, like a child asking for forgiveness after breaking an expensive vase. "I've lost Sophie and then I lost you. But I want you, I've always wanted you and I _need_ you. I _love_ you."

It took weeks of fighting and begging Gail to stay, to thousands of miles and 2 months apart for her to say it. Those words felt like an uncomfortable pang in her chest, not how Holly used to imagine it would feel if Gail ever muttered those 3 precious words to her.

"I can't."

Because Holly's reply wasn't 'but I don't love you', Gail held onto the tiny shred of hope that she could still save this.

"Are—are you seeing someone?"

"I'm not."

"Is this about the distance? Because I'll move there if you want me do. You know what, I'll come see you now, just say the word. I'll do it." Gail looked like she was ready to jump out of bed to pack a suitcase and leave for the airport at any moment.

"Gail, I can't do this anymore."

The anger had morphed into regret and sadness. Her heart broke at Gail's desperate attempt to salvage what was left of their extremely battered, bruised, _damaged_ relationship. No amount of glue could stick the pieces back together.

If this was another time, if she were still in Toronto, if the stakes were much lower, Holly might consider it. She might give it another try. Maybe hold Gail's hand. Kiss her lips. Press their bodies close – hips to hips, forehead to forehead, chest to chest, heart to heart.

All Gail needed to do back then was stay and fight.

But no, she did what she promised not to do – she ran. She promised changes, to step up when needed but she didn't deliver.

After their last fight, Holly called the San Francisco office, to see if they still wanted to hire her. When they were more than happy to have her, she took Gail's advice to 'just go'. She could've stayed in Toronto and wait for Gail to regain her senses, but it was too painful.

Without warning, tears returned but Gail refused to let out those sobs and settled for crying silently. It was more painful to cry without making a sound, she deserved the pain for everything she had done, from breaking Holly's heart to killing someone. Gail looked down, back hunched, and her tears landed on her pants and it felt too hot on the soft material.

"Okay," Gail nodded to no one.

A long pause.

"Goodbye, Gail." _I will always love you, but it's too late._

"Goodbye, Lunchbox." _I love you._


	4. Dancing On My Own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Prompt - Dancing On My Own by Robyn
> 
> Sets after 507 when Holly tells Gail she's seeing someone. Also, for the purpose of this story, Chloe and Dov breaks up earlier than in the show.

Standing right outside of the establishment, Gail let out a loud sigh and watched as crowds of women spill out from the front door, laughing and talking and having fun. It had been a while since she last visited a gay club, since her college days actually.

Beside Gail, Traci and Chloe were standing on either sides of the blonde. Chloe patted Gail's shoulder in excitement, causing Gail to turn her head slightly to glare at the redhead as she shrugged Chloe's hand off of her.

"C'mon, let's go inside and have some fun!" Chloe jumped several times on the spot, clapping enthusiastically.

"I can't believe I let the two of you talk me into this." Gail sighed again, shaking her head.

Traci moved in front of Gail to look at the blonde properly. "Oh stop pouting, Gail. We're your wing woman for the night. Leo's with Dex and I wanna have fun tonight. First round of tequila's on me."

But Gail was having none of it. Chloe stepped forward too, still bouncing like a child during Christmas. "And the second round's on me. It's time to get over… you know who."

Gail rolled her eyes, "She's not Voldemort, Chloe. You can say her name."

Clearing her throat, Chloe replied but softer this time. "Yes, Holly. Time to get over Holly."

"Less talking, and more drinking and dancing. Time to get you back on that horse." Traci turned and walked towards the short queue by the door. Gail glared at the back of Traci's head, but trailed closely behind her and Chloe to join the queue.

When she first stepped into the club, Gail was overwhelmed by the amount of women in the building. Women drinking, women dancing, women kissing. Promised free tequila shots, Gail followed her friends toward the bar, squeezing her way through the sea of women. Yep, she was going to need alcohol that night.

With a couple of tequila shots in her system, Gail felt herself starting to loosen up, her head bobbing to the beat of the music, eyes scanning across the room and dance floor. Traci was doing the same, and once in a while she'd point to a few women, telling Gail how hot or cute some of them were. Gail just rolled her eyes, not really interested in them.

"So, what's your type?" Traci nudged Gail with her elbow.

Gail rolled her eyes again, probably for the hundredth time that night. "I don't know if I have a type."

Traci lifted her right arm and waved at the dance floor. "Well, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Take your pick."

"You're disgusting, Traci." Wondering why Chloe was quiet by her side, Gail turned to see the perky redhead a few feet away from them, talking to an attractive looking blonde woman and standing a little too close to each other.

When the woman planted one on Chloe, Gail cringed. Not that she'd mind, but so much for being Gail's wing woman. To her right, Traci spoke up over the loud music. "I didn't know Chloe's into women."

"It's Chloe. She's into everyone and everything."

"True," Traci nodded in agreement before ordering them another round of shots.

Somewhere between Gail's sixth or seventh shot of tequila, she decided it was time to dance. "I'm going to dance." She announced to Traci before heading towards the dance floor. Chloe was already on the dance floor, her body moving closely with that blonde woman she met moments ago.

Gail swayed and moved with the rhythm of the music, head bobbing and arms raised in the air. Her cheeks and neck felt hot, thanks to the tequila. She was beginning to loosen up, her limbs felt lighter and her body was on autopilot. Her mind free of any thoughts, only concentrating on the music and her breathing. It felt invigorating, the tension of the day melting away.

She was about to close her eyes, to be fully immersed in this trance when she saw something, or rather someone, out of the corner of her eye. The dance floor was packed, the walls lined with women making out or talking to each other, but Gail saw it. Gail saw _her_.

It all happened in a split second. The lights happened to shine on her, the people on the dance floor happened to part just enough that Gail could see her through the tiny gaps in between moving limbs and sweaty bodies. Holly was there, in the corner of the club. And she wasn't alone. Gail stopped moving the moment her eyes landed on Holly and whatever relaxed state she was in was long gone. The moment that redheaded woman tilted Holly's head by her chin and moved in to kiss the brunette, Gail felt the bile rising in her throat and she quickly ran for the door.

Gail ran into the alley behind the club, hands on her knees trying to catch her breath and eyes closed trying to get rid of the mental image of Holly's hands wrapped around that woman's waist. Hands that used to touch her the way she did that woman. Holly was smiling, the way she used to smile at Gail before she leans in for a kiss.

Gail squeezed her eyes shut and clenched her fists harder. She wanted to cry and blame it on getting drunk. She wanted to throw up and blame it on the alcohol. She wanted to leave and blame it on an early shift tomorrow. But she couldn't. She wasn't drunk and she didn't want to throw up because of the tequila. She also had the next day off. She knew the only reason that made her feel like how she felt at that moment was because of Holly. But she didn't want to admit it to herself. At least not until someone called out for her from the sidewalk.

"Gail?" Gail truly wanted it to be Traci, or even Chloe coming to check on her, but of course it had to be Holly.

She straightened herself the moment she heard her voice, trying to keep it all together. Gail blinked back her tears and turned to look at Holly. "Hey."

Gail knew the look on Holly's face the second she saw her. It was guilt. "Are you okay?" Holly wanted to reach out to the blonde, lifting her arm up halfway but decided to keep her hands to herself.

"Yeah, yeah. Of course." Gail waved her off.

"You here alone?" Holly took a few tentative steps closer to the blonde.

"Traci and Chloe's in there."

"I see." Holly crossed her arms against her chest. It was dark in the club, but Holly'd recognize Gail's pale skin, short platinum blonde hair and leather jacket anywhere. Before she knew what she was doing, her legs were moving on its own, walking her out of the club to look for Gail. She looked behind to make sure her date was still in the club waiting for her.

Gail tried to sound casual. "So uh, is that the woman you're seeing?" _The woman you're kissing,_ "Is that your someone _someone_?"

Holly smiled, thinking back to the conversation they had that time at the Penny. That felt like ages ago. Her smile didn't quite reach her eyes though. "I'm not sure yet."

Silence filled the air though their surroundings were noisy with people shouted and laughing. It just didn't reach them and for some reason the alley was empty except for the both of them.

"I meant it, you know." Gail breathed shakily, her voice broken and soft. There was a sad smile on her face.

"Meant what?"

"That you're the most wonderful person I've ever met." Gail moved closer towards the brunette, as if Holly was a magnet and she'd have no choice but to be as close to her as possible.

"Gail…" Holly sighed heavily, her eyes watering but refusing to let the tears fall. Gail's heart fluttered at the sound of her name.

"If we met at a different time," Gail sniffled, tears rolling down her cheeks. "do you think we'd make it?"

"I don't know," _I hope so._ Holly smiled her lopsided smile, a more painful version of her trademark smile. "Maybe, Gail. Maybe."

Gail nodded and straightened her posture. "Goodnight, Holly." She smiled at the brunette, and walked past her, brushing away tears at the same time.

Holly could only look up at the dark sky and release a shuddering breath, finally surrendering the battle of keeping her tears at bay. She might've ended things, but Gail Peck definitely stole her heart and broke it into smithereens, and there were pieces of her she'd never get back ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon: Chloe is bi.


	5. No Answer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Could you write a story about Gail dealing with PTSD after Traci gets kidnapped, because it's reminding her of her own abduction. She talks to Traci, to help both of them dealing with it. Traci recommends that Gail calls Holly.

In, and out. In, and out. Gail tried to steady her breathing and calm the pounding in her chest. She tried counting to 10 and ignored the feeling of her soaked t-shirt sticking to her back. She opened her eyes after and took in her surroundings. The wobbly chair she seldom sat on, the framed pictures of her family and her uniform that was hanging on the full length mirror. Her vision no longer blurry, shapes and colours returning in the dark room. She was home and in her bedroom. She was safe.

She pulled the blanket away from herself and scanned her body. She rubbed her feet together, then her hands. Gail could remember the feeling of being bound and gagged like it happened yesterday and it made her feel sick.

She should be sleeping. The boys were on night shifts and the apartment was dead quiet, a rare occasion and definitely a treat for the sleep-deprived blonde. Traci's abduction triggered something in her and she'd been having trouble sleeping for the past few days. Gail couldn't sleep, but the least she could do to relieve some of that stress and tension was to take a long, hot shower. Standing under the spray of soothing hot water, Gail wondered if Traci had been sleeping okay after what happened. If not, she was sure her friend would be fine. At least the brunette had Leo and Steve. She had a support system.

So imagine Gail's surprise when Traci appeared by her front door minutes after she stepped out of the bathroom, with a bottle of alcohol in her hand. She had bags under her eyes and she looked exhausted. Gail held the door wider for the brunette to enter without saying a single word. She knew. She understood.

"Leo is with Dex and Steve is working tonight," Traci placed the bottle down on the coffee table before sitting on the sofa, staring up at Gail. "and I couldn't sleep."

Gail nodded and went into the kitchen for some glasses.

"What about you?" Traci asked when Gail returned.

Gail nodded again and somehow the blonde had a feeling Traci knew she'd have trouble sleeping like her. Traci could've gone to Andy, but she knew she had to be here with Gail. They'd been doing this ever since Jerry's death, but lesser now as they were moving on. On anniversaries and sometimes hard cases that hit close to home, Gail and Traci often found themselves opening their doors for each other with alcohol in their hands. They'd drink and stay the night and sometimes talk about their feelings or nothing at all and then make breakfast the next day like it never happened. It was a ritual they were both comfortable with.

Pouring both of them a drink, Traci spoke again. "How have you been?"

Gail shrugged and looked at the brown liquid when Traci handed her a glass. The blonde was sitting on an armchair with her feet propped up on the coffee table. "I'm fine."

She didn't want to make a big deal out of it. It wasn't her who got kidnapped this time, but at Traci's stern look, Gail continued. "Besides the fact that I can't sleep for more than an hour without waking up drenched in sweat, I'm fine."

Traci sighed and took a sip of her drink. "Me too. At least I have Steve when he's sleeping over and if not, Leo to bunk with."

Gail made a disgusting face at the mention of her brother's name.

"You know you can call me, right? If you ever need someone to talk to?"

Traci knew Holly helped a great amount when she was with Gail. The blonde was calmer and definitely happier with Holly. Everyone saw the difference. Now that the doctor was gone, Gail had no one to help her through tough nights like this.

"Thanks, Traci."

Gail smiled sincerely at her friend. But they both knew no one could replace Holly.

They drank and watched trashy reality TV for the rest of the night until Gail turned to find Traci had fallen asleep on the sofa. When she draped a blanket over the brunette, in her slightly intoxicated state, Traci mumbled something that made Gail's heart clench uncomfortably.

"Call Holly."

That was how Gail ended up on her bed with her phone in her palm and her knees drawn up to her chest. She scrolled through her list of contacts until she saw Holly's name and a picture of the bespectacled brunette with a goofy smile on her face.

Her hand trembled as her finger tapped on the call button. She brought the device to her ear with both hands, one supporting the other so her phone wouldn't slip. Her heart raced as the ringing continued, every second a torture and a sore tug at her heartstrings. Her lips quivered before her shoulders shook, and her eyes watered when the call finally connected only to reach Holly's voicemail. A tear rolled down her cheek, followed by another, when Holly's lively and sweet voiced travelled into her ear. It was painful yet satisfying to finally hear her ex's voice again, even though it was only for a couple of short seconds.

Gail ended the call before she could leave a message. Then a day turned into a week and then a month, and her phone call was never returned.


End file.
